I didn't poop during labor. Swears.

A few weeks before my due date, I made Nick sit down and have a serious conversation with me. The Rules. Good lord, I'm carrying a child for going on nine long months, about to push the damn thing out of a hole 1/28th the size of a baby's head, so yes I have rules.

        The Rules.

1. Only myself, Nick, and medical staff can be in the room during labor and delivery. I am in no way comfortable with my Dad, and every other family member sticking their cameras all up in my hoohaw... You're right, it is a special moment that should be celebrated and shared with loved ones, but it's MY special moment. And any special moment of mine does not involve my freakin' parents watching me give birth. 
2. Nick must stay up by my head at all times. Don't even glance down there. Serious. I compare this to my dislike of open casket funerals. I don't want that image to be my last memory of that person. I also don't want Nick to think of my little lady downstairs as a scary, nasty, frightening little lady everytime he thinks of her. Yeah I have issues. 
3. If by some small, miniscule, microscopic chance I poop during labor, I do not want to know. I repeat, I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW. What you don't know can't hurt, right? 

Rule number two definitely went out the window the moment I was ready to start pushing. It was only Nick, our nurse, and I in the room when I was taught how to push, and it was only us three for the majority of my delivery as well. Due to the epidural I couldn't hold my legs up, so Nick was assigned one, the nurse had the other. Obviously he had a clear shot to all the excitement and fun down there, and I could care less. Unfortunately, this may have in turn, affected Rule number 3. 

Skip forward three months or so... Nick, Jameson, Nick's brother and I were all having a good time talking in the living room of our apartment. We had a couple of friends who had their baby not too long after us, and we were discussing some funny random stuff about having a baby. We're experts now so we can do that ;) Anywho, Nick starts going off to his brother about how many women poop during labor. I'm now nervous.

Nick: No bro, evvvvvery girl poops during labor. It is seriously like, impossible NOT to poop. 

Me: Duh Nick that isn't true, there's actually a lot---

Nick: ---No bro I swear like evvvveryone who has a baby poops a little. 

Me: ..............

The poop mystery that I had so badly wanted to live the rest of my life NOT having solved, was solved. There is just no way that he would have said that had I not pooped. Then he woulda said something like, Jill didn't poop but a lot of girls do BRO. Had it been anyone besides Nick's brother sharing this lovely convo with us, I would have played it off, but it was his brother, and I was too ticked off to hold back. 

Me: So I'm guessing that I pooped too then? Like evvvvvvery other girl does?!!!!? You weren't supposed to tell me!!!!! 

Nick (with his oh shit face): Noooo babe, you didn't..... 

Actually it was more like, haha no haha no babe! haha you really didn't hahah. 

His brother and him then start cracking up like it's the best shit they've heard all year. With my face as red as the Devil's dick, I ran in the other room half laughing and half mortified.

All I can say is, when it comes to pooping on a table for others to see, ignorance WOULD HAVE been bliss. Pure bliss.