I didn't poop during labor. Swears.

A few weeks before my due date, I made Nick sit down and have a serious conversation with me. The Rules. Good lord, I'm carrying a child for going on nine long months, about to push the damn thing out of a hole 1/28th the size of a baby's head, so yes I have rules.

        The Rules.

1. Only myself, Nick, and medical staff can be in the room during labor and delivery. I am in no way comfortable with my Dad, and every other family member sticking their cameras all up in my hoohaw... You're right, it is a special moment that should be celebrated and shared with loved ones, but it's MY special moment. And any special moment of mine does not involve my freakin' parents watching me give birth. 
2. Nick must stay up by my head at all times. Don't even glance down there. Serious. I compare this to my dislike of open casket funerals. I don't want that image to be my last memory of that person. I also don't want Nick to think of my little lady downstairs as a scary, nasty, frightening little lady everytime he thinks of her. Yeah I have issues. 
3. If by some small, miniscule, microscopic chance I poop during labor, I do not want to know. I repeat, I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW. What you don't know can't hurt, right? 

Rule number two definitely went out the window the moment I was ready to start pushing. It was only Nick, our nurse, and I in the room when I was taught how to push, and it was only us three for the majority of my delivery as well. Due to the epidural I couldn't hold my legs up, so Nick was assigned one, the nurse had the other. Obviously he had a clear shot to all the excitement and fun down there, and I could care less. Unfortunately, this may have in turn, affected Rule number 3. 

Skip forward three months or so... Nick, Jameson, Nick's brother and I were all having a good time talking in the living room of our apartment. We had a couple of friends who had their baby not too long after us, and we were discussing some funny random stuff about having a baby. We're experts now so we can do that ;) Anywho, Nick starts going off to his brother about how many women poop during labor. I'm now nervous.

Nick: No bro, evvvvvery girl poops during labor. It is seriously like, impossible NOT to poop. 

Me: Duh Nick that isn't true, there's actually a lot---

Nick: ---No bro I swear like evvvveryone who has a baby poops a little. 

Me: ..............

The poop mystery that I had so badly wanted to live the rest of my life NOT having solved, was solved. There is just no way that he would have said that had I not pooped. Then he woulda said something like, Jill didn't poop but a lot of girls do BRO. Had it been anyone besides Nick's brother sharing this lovely convo with us, I would have played it off, but it was his brother, and I was too ticked off to hold back. 

Me: So I'm guessing that I pooped too then? Like evvvvvvery other girl does?!!!!? You weren't supposed to tell me!!!!! 

Nick (with his oh shit face): Noooo babe, you didn't..... 

Actually it was more like, haha no haha no babe! haha you really didn't hahah. 

His brother and him then start cracking up like it's the best shit they've heard all year. With my face as red as the Devil's dick, I ran in the other room half laughing and half mortified.

All I can say is, when it comes to pooping on a table for others to see, ignorance WOULD HAVE been bliss. Pure bliss. 

He may be yellow but he still likes free pictures k?

After nearly 48 hours in the hospital, we were faced with the realization that we have to take this little pooping creature home. I asked the nurse if there is some sort of instructions I get with him. What? I thought this day and age we'd have that kinda shit invented and mass produced. After finding out the world sucks and hasn't figured that out yet, we got some crappy news. His billirubin levels had shot up, and he was pretty badly janudice (jaundiced?)..  It's very common, and normally doesn't show up until you're right about to leave. Nice timing jaundice jerk. The treatment is simply putting the baby under these bright lights with ultra high uv-ness to get the billi levels to go down and be normal. I'm not the doctor here, don't judge. The pediatrician originally told us that he felt pretty confident sending us home with the baby and some billi lights. He made it clear we really have to keep him under those lights basically every minute he wasn't eating. If we didn't do that, his levels would increase and that's when jaundice becomes dangerous. Brain damage dangerous. Ok.. I'll keep him under the lights I promise I swear! I was kidding about the instruction booklet! I got this!

Let me just say that jaundice is such a minor thing when under control. We are so blessed that Jameson only was jaundice, in the grand scheme of things. It could have been much worse. So we go into the nursery to pick up the baby who had just had some testing done for his hearing. A nurse I had never seen before was holding my son. She realized we were his owners, and here is the bitchiness that came out of her mouth next... (Imagine a whiny but real bitchy voice) "So his billirubin levels are reaaaaaaaally high. I'm so surprised that the doctor is letting you guys go home already. Did you guys tell the doctor you reaaaaaaally want to take him home today?" Oh hell no she did not. "Umm no actually he just told us that we could take him home.  I didn't even beg him or bribe him. Reaaally." Right now I'm looking at her with my most evil of faces.

 Something similar to this.

She then gives the baby to another nurse, and asks me and Nick to come speak with her for a moment in some weird back room. She then started telling us how we are basically horrible parents and can't be trusted. Well, kind of.

Skank nurse: It's gunna be sooo hard and you reaaaally should let him stay an extra day here. Reaaaally.
Me: Well, the doctor said I could take him home.
Skank nurse: But you won't keep him under the lights and he'll get woooorse.
Me: Ummm yeah I will keep him under the lights actually. Duh.
Skank nurse: Do you guys have help or anything? It's pretty damn obvious you guys are young and stupid and irresponsible and did I say stupid?

Well it basically went down like that. She then called the doctor who agreed to release us, and changed his mind. Yeah, major bitch. After finding out we would NOT be going home that day, we were told that a photographer works with the hospital and takes pictures of your newborn for free, posts them online, then you can choose to buy them or not. The photographer was at the hospital for a short time that day, and we asked Skank nurse (SN) if we could borrow Jameson for a few minutes to do the photos. Here's the next pile of bitchy vomit that came out of her mouth. "He's really irritated right now and those pictures aren't necessary anyways. He's so yellow that they wouldn't even look good. Trust me I have two sons and I had so many pictures that I never even looked at the ones from the hospital again. Plus don't you guys have a camera at home?" I stood there, tears in my eyes, wanting to either start bawling or punch her in her skank nose. I did neither. I called my sister who is also a nurse in this same unit, just not working that day. I told her all about SN and let me tell you my sister knew all about SN and her skankiness. And bitchiness. She has supposedly made many new mommy's cry. My sis was pissed that she talked us out of the pictures though. She made a couple calls, and about a half hour later Nick saw SN getting in trouble from her boss, and was crying. Aww. So sad.

We ended up having to SNEAK around the hospital just to get the damn pictures done. I felt like I was one of those crazy baby stealers. SN was the head nurse that day, that is why we needed to go behind her back on a secret mission just to get the pictures done.

 So glad I did though.

 Score 1 for Jilly, Skank nurse, 0.

Love, Jilly

The birth story...

Nearly three months ago I had my first baby. Jameson. He is amazing. And since I started late on my blog, I will kinda start off with the beginning of how my little fam came to be. So the birth story is where we are now. I'll try to make it short and sweet. Leave out the yuckiness.

My original due date was February 16th, a Wednesday. Well it came and went, and I didn't know how to continue my countdown on our whiteboard, which said 1 MORE DAY, the day before. Should I start going negative, like -1 days, -2 days? I'm lost, so I just erase the damn board. Anyone who has had a baby knows the crazy things us women do to magically get baby to come out at the end of the pregnancy. "I swear my sister-in-law ate eggplant parmesean, went bowling, did three jumping jacks, and went to bed. The next day she had her daughter." Yeeeaaaaah ok! Sometimes I heard things as bizarre as, "Make a pot of coffee, put in a large bowl, place bowl in toilet, sit on toilet (yes with pants down!) for 12-20 minutes." So the coffee fumes seep through into your uterus, basically getting the baby all cracked out on caffeine, then the crack baby wants out? Right. Well the days following my due date were filled with some of these "induction methods." Actually the DAY following my due date was full of these. After a few trys I felt kinda dumb and stopped. Endless pineapple only gives you a sore tongue I promise.

Saturday morning I woke up feeling contractions. They weren't painful, so I figured they were still braxton-hicks. Damn! They were consistent though. Nick was working that day, so I went to a movie with my Mom and Step-dad. That evening Nick's Mom and Step-dad came over for dinner, and I started really noticing the contractions. They were starting to feel really period-crampy like, and starting to hurt! I told the fam I thought maybe tonight was the night, and no one really took me serious. Well, ok then! The parents left and I tried laying down to see if they would subside. It was about 10 at this point, and I knew I wouldn't be getting any sleep that night. To cut the boring part short, I continued to labor at home, sort of in denial that this was happening. I knew we couldn't go to the hospital yet. I kept remembering, I'm not in real labor until I can't talk through the contractions. Let's just say I couldn't talk through them at about midnight, and we arrived at the hospital at 3:30am. That's how scared I was of being sent away for not being in real labor! We got to the hospital- after much fighting, I even said "Fine I'll go have this baby all alone!" to Nick. Dramatic much?

I was checked pretty quickly, it was not a busy time thankfully. I was 6cm!!! I could not believe it. On Friday, not even 48 hours before I was still closed up, no dilation, and only a soft cervix! My water hadn't broken yet, and the nurse said it was "bulging." I hate the word bulge. About an hour later I got my epidural (heaven-temporarily), and at 8am I was ready to push. Ps.. Nick was half asleep most of my "labor." He was forced to wake up when the pushing started. He had to hold one of my legs, and the nurse with the other. I really expected the pushing part to be so quick, like all the stories I read, and shows I saw. I thought for sure I'd be writing my Birth Announcement on BabyCenter saying, 3 pushes and he was out! Yeah more like 300 pushes. So after a boring and tiring 2 hours of pushing, the nurse said they could see his head when I pushed, but it would go back in after. And I didn't need a mirror for proof, no thank you. I was like, ummm K so do I have to push the rest of my life or will I ever meet my baby? They said most doctors don't like when someone has been pushing past two hours. Then I heard the C word. Ew not that one, the other one! C-Section! It was only talk, but I didn't likey. No way have I done most the laboring with out meds, and pushed for this long, to have my baby popped out my belly!

Then hell became what was once my delivery room. My epi wore off... no, I wasn't going to be one of those unlucky girls who's epi doesn't work right! Let me clarify though, it's not like I wasn't numb from the waist down still, I could just feel every contraction. And they were the devil himself! The epi doctor revisited my room/hell about 6 times that next twenty minutes. He kept increasing my dose, but nothing touched the pain. My legs were becoming more and more heavy from the numbing though. Ugh! Since it was now Sunday morning, my OB had to be paged at church-which he later thanked me for getting him outta there... He took about twenty minutes to arrive, and at that point I was just trying to survive through the contractions. Pushing made them less painful, but the pain stopped me from pushing. It was no bueno. I cried. Oh, and puked somewhere in all that. So, My OB took a look and said he thinks we should try a vacuum, or forceps. I vote vacuum, and get warned I may have a cone-head child. Beldarrr!

On the very next contraction I feel a contraption stuck inside me and a lot of yanking going on. Like a numb yanking though. Then his head is out, Nick is crying, I can't see anything, but the feeling of that baby still in you from the head down is a very bizarre feeling. Very CREEEEEPY. Then bam, he's on my chest, more beautiful than I had even imagined, looking up into my welling eyes. Most amazing moment in my entire life. The moment I had anticipated for months and months. Everything I had hoped for and more. Even with the complications, which were very minor in the big picture, I had an amazing birth experience. Most importantly my son was now in my arms, healthy, and big!!! 8 lbs 4 oz, 21 inches. Turns out his head was 37 cm and that is why the vacuum intervention was needed. I was very lucky to have avoided a c-section. They said it's cause I'm tall? Tall people birth big headed babies better? Score for tall people? Maybe? Enough questions...

Here is a picture of the best moment of my life.

And here he is at two days old.

Hope that wasn't too long,
Love, Jilly

Well, here it goes..

When I had my son Jameson in February, I thought maybe I could start a blog, keep track of my journey through motherhood, and have fun writing in the meantime. I'm very new to the blogging world, but i'm going to jump right in, a little fashionably late. I'm going to try my best to document my story, starting with Jameson's birth story in the next post. I'll catch everyone up to where we are now, and I hope to continue this long after! Hope you enjoy!

And here is a pic of my monster. 

Love, Jilly